Dear absent friend,
It has been over a year since we last talked. I tried to end things on a good note; the best I could at least. The only evidence I have as to why our friendship ended sits in my dusty and mostly unused inbox. To be honest, I can’t even remember why it ended. I use to look back at old messages, wondering what I could have said or done differently; if there was anything I could have done to fix things. But I stopped doing that the moment I realized that the past cannot be changed.
Here’s the truth- I felt for some time that our friendship was nothing but a big race to see who could get to the finish line first. I was sincerely happy for you when you were winning. Maybe I didn’t show that enough; maybe that was one of my flaws. Although, when I was getting ahead I felt terrible. I was afraid to share my achievements with you. The fear of you thinking I was bragging or that my achievements weren’t as exciting as yours overwhelmed me. It was never about jealousy, it was about feeling like I had to live up to this unrealistic idea you had of what our friendship should be. I guess I felt like my hardships would have been your next day gossip. The trust faded after a while or maybe we just never fully regained it.
I do remember one thing you said to me at the end. It was something about how you tried to prove you were a good friend by being there for me when my father passed away. Maybe I’m a bit too emotional about that subject but my fathers death was not something to be used for you to “prove” your worth to me. You have no idea how much I appreciated you being there as much as you possibly could. Believe me when I tell you that you’ll always have a special place in my heart because of your willingness to be there for me when I needed people the most. I just never thought in a million years that it would have been used against me.
I don’t think of you often anymore. When I do it’s mostly just hoping that you are finally truly happy with your life and that you found the friendship that you’ve been searching for. I’m sorry that I couldn’t live up to that standard. Friendships can be hard. I know, none of my friendships are perfect but I’ve never had any problems working out issues with anyone else but you. Maybe it was the lack of communication, the lack of honesty, or in my case being too honest. Maybe it was how you’d hold things in and tell me you never had a problem with this or that but you really did. How was I to know I needed to fix anything if I didn’t know the problem exsisted? I’m decent at reading people but I’m not a mind reader.
I guess I just really want you to know that I tried. I tried the best way I knew how. It’s okay if that wasn’t good enough. It’s possible that we were only meant to be in each others life for a time, and that’s okay too. I forgave the insults countless times and I forgave myself for my wrong doings. That’s all we can do, right? I will always wish the best for you. I’ll always cherish the great times that we had. I do wish that your part in my story would have ended a bit differently but the moment we said goodbye a new chapter started.
I’ve finally learned how to let things go and go with the flow. I’m much happier now because of it.
Goodbye old friend.