I could talk about the election today and what a mess it has been but I think enough people are talking about it. I decided the only thing I wanted to mention is that I’m proud to see over 4 million people vote for Gary Johnson. I know that’s not even close to being enough but it was noticed. I’m so happy to know I was not alone. Today, I wanted to bring more light to sensitive subject.
I wrote a blog a while back telling part of my story ( https://angelacampbellblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/28/this-is-not-your-place-no-this-is-not-your-playground-its-my-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-127 ). As the quote says above, I’m not ready to read every chapter out loud. It’s mostly because a lot of the people in my life still don’t know all of the details and I’m not sure I ever want them to. Some things are just better left unsaid.
Yesterday my husband surprised me with an appointment to get a tattoo. Yes, I’m a tattoo lover! This one has so much meaning to me and is the 2nd most special piece of art that I have on my body (so far). My husband knew how much this meant to me and didn’t want me to have to wait a few more months to get it. October was a reminder of what I lost and how I almost completely lost myself.
This tattoo is located right above my ankle. I know it’s hard to tell in the picture. In case you’re not that familiar to what this means I thought this would help…
I relate to a lot of those listed above but it only covers a few reasons why people are getting this as a tattoo. Survivors of abuse and rape also see it as a way of saying that their life isn’t over yet. An abuser attempted to end or control their life but they did not win. What the heart represents is my little secret. I am a survivor of mostly verbal and emotional abuse. Believe me when I tell you that it’s just as painful as being punched in the face over and over. To be quite honest with you, I would have rather taken the punches over what I dealt with. Any form of abuse leaves the survivor with guilt, shame and believing they are completely worthless.
After 6 years, I still struggle with those feelings. I don’t believe they will ever fully go away. I don’t believe that I would still be here if it weren’t for those few people in my life that helped me through it. They stood by me when I was at my worst. I would fight them and yell at them and be completely horrible to them because I was not worth the effort. My son was the only exception to this. Around him, I was his normal happy mommy that could never do any wrong. He was the one person I couldn’t let down or disappoint in any way. I am forever grateful to those people and I hope they never forget it. I can only imagine how hard it was for them to stay by me during those times.
Instead of carrying regret and bitterness I try my best to use my story in a positive way. I am stronger now because of what I went through. I’m still working on the forgiveness part. I can only hope it happens one day.
This year was the first time that I publicly spoke about my experience. For years I just wanted to hide it away in a small, locked box inside my heart. I realized that it wasn’t doing me any good just chilling there. It wasn’t doing anyone that came in my path any good either; especially the ones that had been through the same thing. That’s why I decided to make my story known. I don’t do it for pity. I absolutely hate pity. Seriously, if you know me you know how much I hate it. I did it because I want others to know that they are not alone no matter how alone you feel. I want them to know that there is help out there and people aren’t just saying that to make you feel better. I want them to know that their life does mean something and they are important. I share my story in hopes of helping someone else overcome their monster.
I will wear this tattoo with pride. I had an abuser, he tried to defeat me, control me and turn me into his puppet but I survived, I’m still surviving and I will continue to survive for the rest of my life. I’m walking proof that he did not win and that my will was stronger than him.
As always thank you for reading and please never be afraid to reach out for help!
November 9, 2016 at 7:06 pm
What a lovely tattoo and meaning. You are a true survivor and I hope your story gives others strength. you should be proud of how far you have come.xx
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November 9, 2016 at 7:27 pm
Thank you so much! 6 years ago I would have never imagined my life being what it is today. I can only hope to help others say the same.
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November 9, 2016 at 8:36 pm
As a fellow tattoo lover it looks good on you too. I’ve got 6 myself, although not had a new one for 2 years now but maybe one day I will get another 😉
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November 9, 2016 at 8:38 pm
Thank you! I have 5 so far but plans for at least 4 more. It’s addictive!
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November 9, 2016 at 8:42 pm
It so is! I generally get one every 2 years so I’m due one, the only other thing I would get is something to do with my wedding date as already have my daughters name and DOB and a single feather which shows strength, I’m a little obsessed with feathers, and then a couple which I just liked.
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November 9, 2016 at 8:52 pm
Those all sound amazing! I love the feather tattoos! I have a clover (I’m 30% irish), my son’s name, two somewhat shooting stars and the new one. My next one will be in remembrance of my dad. It’s taken me forever to pick it because I want it to be as meaningful as he was to me. This is my 2nd one this year but before that I think it was close to 4 years since I had gotten one. Way too long lol.
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November 11, 2016 at 6:51 am
I have a shooting star too and am also a quarter irish! My husband always laughs at me because I only ever mention that when Ireland play rugby! Suddenly they are my boys and I’m irish through and through haha.
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November 11, 2016 at 1:27 pm
That’s too funny! I normally mention it when my red hair starts to show and by that I mean my temper 🙂
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November 11, 2016 at 6:52 am
I bet whatever you get for your dad will be amazing if must be such a hard decision.
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November 11, 2016 at 1:29 pm
It really is! He passed away 3 years ago and I still haven’t been able to decide. I know I want his birthday as part of it. Most people tell me I should get the day he died as well (since that’s what everyone else does) and I just keep telling them that I don’t want to remember his death, I want to remember his life.
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November 11, 2016 at 1:55 pm
I don’t think I would have the date he died either, more something that connected you two or something he enjoyed or that symbolises a father and daughter.
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November 11, 2016 at 2:35 pm
I’m glad someone agrees with me!
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November 9, 2016 at 7:16 pm
My goodness poppet that was so beautifully written. No one knows what it is like unless you have been there. The last two years has seen me feeling perhaps not 100% free from the past but happier than I had been, all due to blogging. Its those nearest to us that set to destroy you, well in my case. I was convinced I was going mad, even thought of ending it, “cut” and drank when the rows would get so bad. Why I survived, (and you have too) I will never know. We must have inner strength Angela. We don’t as you say look for sympathy, we just need to talk about it. I let the bullying/violence go on too long, you got away from it whilst still young. We have a vulnerability that people recognise and feed off, we have to talk more help each other. They play with one’s mind and you’re convinced you are everything they say – my case my Mother sought to get her revenge as I was born a girl and not the Son she had lost the year before I was born, my whole life was a lie, I regret my life. The day she died aged 92yrs I opened a bottle of Champagne with my Sons and smoked my first (and last) joint. Will we ever be able to forget all that was done?
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November 9, 2016 at 7:32 pm
I must say that blogging and writing has helped tremendously! My goal is to help at least one person overcome the same or similar battle that I once fought.
You have a wonderful story to share as well and I’m so glad that you made it through! You were born to be exactly who you are and I hate that your mother couldn’t see that. But you’re a survivor and a warrior!
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