I’ve been away from the blogging world longer than I expected.  Life happened and like always we just learn to roll with it. Once I have more time I’ll be able to write the several post I’ve been wanting to work on for a while now.

To update everyone, the week after my sons birthday events my brother ends up in the hospital again. This isn’t really anything out of the ordinary for us since it normally happens once every other month. So like before I didn’t think much of it. This time turned out to be different.

To give you a little history, my brother was diagnosed with diabetes when he was young. I don’t remember the exact age but I want to say it was when he was 12.  It’s been a struggle to say the least. Diabetes is one of those things that slowly eats away at you and becomes more difficult to control later on in life. I’m sure it didn’t help that in April of 2005 he was in a major car accident while on vacation in Florida. When the doctors called my dad that night they told him that he would probably be dead by time we all got there. We made a 6 hour drive in 4 hours. Luckily, he wasn’t dead but he was what I call sleeping. He slept for a month and was on life support. We didn’t know if he’d every come out but we never lost hope. A month later and after several surgeries to keep him alive he woke up. Once he was well enough they moved him to therapy but told us he’d probably never walk again. Well my brother likes to prove people wrong.

A year or so ago his kidneys started failing. He lost a few toes on one of his feet from infection. He has a really weak immune system and his body takes a lot longer to heal than others. He’s been on dialysis for a while now but his body started rejecting the ports. The one he had in his heart started to cause problems. When he went to the hospital they did some test and found infection in is heart and blood clots. The doctors then told us he would need open heart surgery to remove them. He was transferred to a more equipped hospital who then told us that they wanted to try a suction machine to see what they could get with that before opening him up. Monday was his surgery and thankfully everything went great. There is still a little infection in his heart that they couldn’t get so he’s on medication to try to get rid of that. If it doesn’t work then they will have cut him open and try to get it out. We are hoping the medication works.

It’s been extremely hard on him and the family the last two weeks. I saw him after surgery with a breathing tube and it just brought back so many memories from his car accident. I know the breathing machine was just to help his body not have to work so hard this time but seeing him that way made me feel all of those horrible emotions again. I started realizing how real this whole thing is and trying to face the fact that I will probably out live my brother. I don’t like to admit that or think about it but I know deep down it’s the truth. Then I wonder how am I supposed to handle losing someone else who has been with me my entire life. How do people handle loss when it happens over and over again. It’s not like I haven’t lost people that meant a lot to me but losing my dad was by far the worst thing I have ever felt. Now I’m faced with losing my brother one day. Maybe not this year or next or 4 years but eventually I will. I didn’t know how I’d handle losing my dad and now I don’t know how I’m going to handle losing my brother. I know that when we lose someone we have to keep going but we never seem to know how until it happens. I’m still not sure how I survived my father’s death, I just know that I keep going and miss him everyday.

When my brother was in his car accident I’d stand by his bed and hold his hand, talk to him and sometimes read to him. One day I was standing by him for so long (the grip he had on my hand was so strong) that someone finally offered to bring me a chair. The nurses would tell me that he can’t hear me and his hand being tight was just his muscles tensing. I didn’t believe them. I knew that he knew I was there and nothing they said could change that. I did the same thing after this surgery. The only difference was that he would shake his head back and forth every now and then to let us know he could hear us and he’d squeeze my and my sisters hand to answer us. Holding his hand during times like this has always been our way of connecting and letting each other know that we are still here.

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I know we still have a long road ahead of us but hopefully for now we can all relax and just enjoy the time that we have together. Well that’s a small update on what has been going on lately. I’m hoping that things will calm down soon and I can start writing again. I miss you guys and I promise I haven’t forgotten about you all. I will do my best to catch up on some reading soon. I know I’ve been horrible with it lately. Hope you all are well! Until next time!

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