This past week has been rough. I miss my dad every single day but it’s so much worse around the holidays. I don’t just miss him for his cooking either because God knows he made the best deep fried turkey in the history of making turkey haha! I had a dream about him last week. That’s why I posted the other blog about dreams Myth. I have dreams about him all the time and most of them are horrible. I don’t remember everything about the last one but I remember that I was trying to save him. At some point he went missing and I tried to find him. Every time I got close he’d end up being further away. I’m sure that was my brains messed up way of trying to tell me that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to save him from dying. If you ever wonder why people try to pretend that everything is okay it’s probably because their reality is really hard to face. Making them face it isn’t always what they need either.
I was sitting at my dinning room table a couple of nights ago drinking coffee and working on a puzzle. It sucks when doing something that simple hurts. My dad enjoyed doing puzzles even though we never got a chance to do one together. It did remind me of all the times we’d sit at the table talking and playing cards. We had some of the best times together at his table. I also remembered the time during his last few weeks when he got up from the table to make him another cup of coffee. His balance was off at that point so I asked him if I could get it for him. Even then he was so ridiculously independent and stubborn. He was quick to reassure me that he was more than capable of getting his own coffee. All I could do was smile knowing that what he was going through didn’t take away who he was.
Then I thought about all those people who told me that it’ll get easier, it just takes time. I think that’s the biggest lie that people tell each other. It doesn’t get easier and time doesn’t help at all. Sure, we learn to keep going because we don’t have any other choice. That doesn’t mean that the pain of losing someone ever goes away. So this week I decided to pick a song from one of mine and his favorite bands. My dad introduced me to some really great music of his time. I so miss the days we’d ride around in his truck blasting CCR while trying to sing along with it. We couldn’t help but to laugh at each other. Seeing him laugh always made me happy since he didn’t laugh very often. This song was probably the one we listened to the most. I hope you enjoy a small piece of my past.