I didn’t wake up to a phone call this morning like I did 3 years ago. That was a relief. Last year, I stopped expecting bad things to happen on this day. I just thought that maybe if I didn’t expect bad things then it would be just like any other normal day. I tried that again this year but it didn’t work out as well.
I started having horrible nightmares shortly after my son was born. The dreams got worse about 6 years ago and even more so 3 years ago. It’s not really something that’s in my control and that makes it worse. I woke up right after midnight in a panic. I yelled out for my husband a few times but he never answered. He works late nights and I work early mornings. I’m almost always asleep before he even clocks out. When I woke up, I noticed that my bedroom door was shut. I always leave it open just in case my son wakes up in the middle of the night. So that was indication enough that my husband was home or maybe I was just going insane. At the time, I wasn’t really sure which one it was. He didn’t answer me no matter how many times I yelled. Maybe I wasn’t as loud as I thought I was. I eventually found my cell phone and called him. He answered and came to the room quickly. I told him about the nightmare and that I couldn’t be left alone. It took at least another hour before I went back to sleep. Dreams don’t normally get to me that bad. Every now and then there’s one so real that even when I wake up I feel like I’m still in it.
When my alarm went off this morning, I was determined to at least try to turn this day around. I drank my coffee, got dressed and headed to work. The excitement wasn’t over. Our system decided to pretty much crash today. It made everyone’s job a million times harder.
When my father died 3 years ago, I was only allowed to take one day off of work. Unheard of, right? As I’ve looked back on that over the years, I fully believe that it saved me. Working kept me busy and distracted. That’s not what I wanted after losing one of the most important people in my life but maybe it’s what needed to happen. Maybe that’s what’s happening today. Maybe for some reason that I’m not really sure of, I need to be distracted by something else. I’ve always believed that everyone has a little crazy in them. Sure, the level of craziness varies on the person and life events. Maybe these things are happening to keep my crazy at a normal level. Sleeping the day away sounded like a much better idea but I still have to function. I still have responsibilities. I still can’t give up.
We all have a story to tell but I think most of us are just afraid of telling it. We care so much about being perfect that we tend to forget our uniqueness. We forget that our stories can make some kind of difference in someone else’s life. Chances are, what you’ve been through someone else is about to go through. They could probably use your help or advice. Sometimes I think that this blog is an invasion of my privacy. It makes me want to tell my story. It gives me hope that something I say will help someone else. I’m trying to not be afraid anymore. It’s still a work in progress. But, I’m trying and that’s all we can do sometimes.
September 9, 2016 at 6:26 pm
And fighting the fear is all we can do. To walk alongside it… not trying to make it go away, but to acknowledge and befriend it.
I’m so sorry for your loss Angela… thank you for being brave and sharing your story. It was full of many great reminders I needed in my life right now.
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September 10, 2016 at 12:47 pm
Thank you for your kind words!
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