I’ve recently been reminded that there is a time for everything. There is a time to be strong and put a smile on your face and a time to let it go and cry. Regardless of how you feel, sometimes there is a person that needs you to just be okay so that they can be okay. They need to see your smile, your strength, and believe you mean it when you say, “somehow, everything is going to be okay.” You might not like having to be the strong one but this is the life you were given, the role you were meant to play; might as well own it.
Sometimes you have to pretend. The people around me constantly remind me that it’s not healthy to do that. What other solution is there? Pretending has gotten me through a lot of hardships. Eventually, we all have to face reality…I’m just not ready. I don’t like my reality. I’d much rather trade it in for a new one.
I lost my dad September 9th 2013. For those of you wondering, no it has not gotten easier. That’s just a lie people tell you to make you feel better. It has, however, gotten easier to pretend. I’ve lost a lot of great people but losing him was by far the worst. Now more than ever, I’m afraid of losing someone again.
I’m afraid of losing anyone else. I’m afraid of being the only one left out of my immediate family. I’m afraid to be left in this world without them. I’m afraid of losing the only two people left who have known me since birth. I’m angry that I’m not strong enough to make them completely healthy again. I’m angry that I cannot control this situation. I am angry that I have already failed once, and I don’t want to fail again. I’m really angry that it is getting harder and harder to pretend that this isn’t really happening. I hate that I feel weak because I’m not a mentally weak person…at least not anymore….at least not until now. I’m afraid of the voice in my head telling me that I won’t be as strong as I need to be. I’m afraid of making these feelings public but I’m willing to because I know I’m not alone. I know I’m not the only person who has ever faced these things and I hope that I can find them so that for once someone will tell me it’s going to be okay and I’ll actually believe them.
Even the strong person with the smile on her face will break from time to time. That’s okay, right?